Hey there! 👋

It's good to be writing to you again.

Today we’re going to discuss how to identify your areas of growth as a therapist

Understanding what you need to grow in is crucial to your longevity in the field, the health and transformation of your clients, and your own career satisfaction.

Sadly, so many therapists struggle to do so because they were never taught how to do this inner work.

Therapists aren’t taught how to do the inner work.

There are plenty of other legitimate reasons why therapists struggle to identify where they need to grow. Some include:

• Too ambiguous
• Too busy with other clinical duties
• Too uncomfortable facing difficult feelings
• Doesn’t feel like a priority

Thankfully, the path ahead is one that addresses each of issues so that you can

Here’s how, step by step:

Step 1: Pick a challenging client

It’s often the clients we have the most difficulty helping or find most challenging that reflect our greatest need for growth.

For me, couples tend to be the most challenging for me.

I notice myself feeling a little extra nervous before meeting with couples. I might fall into avoidant behaviors like checking Twitter or texting a friend beforehand rather than looking at their previous session’s notes.

I also noticed myself feeling insecure after sessions more often than when I’m seeing an individual. I’ll question how helpful I was or feel embarrassed for babbling on and on.

Again, it’s often with these challenging clients that we can locate our areas of growth. They don’t just have to bring us fear. They can lead us to greater competency and confidence.

Step 2: Journal and identify moments of countertransference

Journaling is a common practice of growth, but many people struggle to know what exactly to journal about. So, we’re going to be specific: we’re looking for moments of countertransference.

I had a vague idea of what countertransference was in grad school, but it felt like the word was thrown around so much and I never grasped the deeper importance of what it meant. Only now, when I’m feeling how disruptive it is to me and my clients, am I appreciating the importance of it.

In Louis Cozolino’s The Making of a Therapist, he gives detail to how this plays out,

When I first began as a therapist, I had unearned confidence that I wouldn’t make my client’s therapy about me. I had a mental image of a therapist breaking down in the middle of session and begging their client for comfort and reassurance. I would never do that!

But as the saying goes, the devil is in the details. Countertransference is often much more subtle than that. It may manifest in a subtle directional shift we make in session. Or in a few choice words we choose not to say.

Cozolino goes on to identify specific thoughts, feelings and behaviors that could contain these manifestations of countertransference:

• Feelings before and after the session
• Silence - too much or too little
• Fear of confrontation or upsetting your client
• Making no interpretations or too many interpretations
• Saying too much or too little
• Arguing with your client
• Missing or avoiding the client’s emotions
• Going off on tangents
• Personal disclosure or telling stories
• Missing important details
• Distractions and daydreams

When I stopped to reflect on my own sessions, a few clues of countertransference manifesting stuck out to me. The first is my tendency to distract myself before couple’s sessions. Why do I do this? What discomfort is coming up for me that I react with distraction?

The second clue I found is another tendency to ramble when I’m feeling nervous during session. It often starts when I feel on the spot or feel the need to prove my competency. I talk for miles desperately trying to land the plane on something helpful, something insightful.

The third and last clue I found is my fear of upsetting and confronting my clients. I notice this especially with clients who are older than me or those who are easily angered.

These are clues into what underlying anxieties and fears are motivating me aside from the care of my client. They are subtle ways I am using my client’s precious time in therapy to satiate my own emotional needs rather than being fully open and attuned to what my client needs.

Step 3: Connect these moments with your story

Once you have some specific examples, you can start connecting the dots to your life outside the therapy office. This is where the work gets more personal, deepens, and illuminates the first couple steps on our path to growth.

Here’s some questions to help you get started:

• What primary feeling arises for me in these challenging situations? Fear? Shame? Embarrassment? Anxiety?
• Is this a familiar feeling to me? When else recently have I felt this outside of therapy? In what relational contexts have these feelings come up?
• Do I feel younger when this feeling arises? When did I first feel this? Allow yourself to paint a vivid picture of this moment - sights, smells, sounds, sensory feelings etc.
• What is this feeling trying to tell me? What would comfort this feeling for me? Has it been comforted before? By who?
• Are there any lies or half-truths attached to this feeling? If I sit with the beliefs behind it, will they feel less rigid?
• Does this feeling limit my felt sense of identity? Do I forget about other parts of myself (particularly stronger, stable, grounded, and trusted parts) when I’m feeling this way?

Here’s an example from my own reflection recently:

I feel anxious before couple’s sessions. I’m scared that I might disappoint them, anger them, or not be enough to help them. I wonder if I can handle the feelings that come with being a disappointment.

I feel smaller and younger when I feel this fear. I wonder how I got here, how I’m the one people look to for help. I feel like this is a mistake, that if they knew who I really was, with all my flaws and inner doubts then I would finally be found out as a fraud.

Warmth and compassion and someone being proud of me would comfort me. Validation that this work is difficult, and the personal stakes feel high would comfort me.

It’s a lie that I must have all the answers. My belief that I cannot handle disappointing others is untrue.

When I am feeling this fear, I forget about all the strong and steadfast and grounded parts of myself. I forget about all the training and experience that has led me here. I forget about my compassionate heart and thoughtful attention and ability to make connections.

I also forget about my life aside from being a therapist, from being the helper. I forget about my dear little family at home that loves me and cares for me regardless of how this session goes. I forget about my love for the outdoors, for sitting beside quiet lakes and under billowy summer clouds. I forget about all that I love and enjoy in life aside from helping.

After doing an exercise like this over and over, our growth areas become more apparent within the common threads. We become familiar with our emotional needs that creep into session with us as well as how they are connected to our broader story. With this new awareness, we have fertile ground where growth can begin.

Well, that's all for today.

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Until next time,

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- Ben

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